Minute Choices

Ok OK. OOOKK!!!

Each moment - I will make the happy choice.

Even if it's the harder one.

Do it.

Technorati Tags : Cherrieland, Happiness

Freud and Sapolsky

What is wrong with me? There are so many wonderful people around me, offering me a helping hand, offering me a shoulder, offering me advice, giving me chances to be a good friend and I'm just standing there like a door knob letting it all wash over. I've seen it before in other PhD students (I thought they were big losers), but I didn't think I'd let it happen to me. I don't know which day it was when I stopped trying to balance.

It makes me feel more guilt and anger at myself. GET YOUR SHIT TOGETHER, CHERRIE!!! It makes me anxious that I'm losing my friends because I'm such a horrible person to know right now, but on the other hand I am comforted by the fact that the world is still fairly large and I can move away and start anew. There are billions of people out there. But I apologise to the people here.

I have been reading "Why Zebra's Don't Get Ulcers (1 Ed.)" by Robert M. Sapolsky and by his understanding, I am going to die young. I want to read the updated (3rd) ed, though - also, I don't think it'd hurt for me to read it again. It sort of scared the bijesus out of me, the amount of damage stress can do, as well as what aging does (in general). I have never really thought about aging. I always thought I'd die young-ish.

Anyway, lots of interesting things in there about stress and how it affects various organ systems, various reasons why some people may be better at coping with stress than others and what are the characteristics of a stressor. Even a good chapter on stress and depression. Good.

And you know, I am still adamant I am not depressed, because well, I still have motivation to get past this THING and I can still get up in the morning (even though it takes me a long time, now). Still, I was interested to find out that Freud described depression as "internalised aggression", which I entirely agree with - I have a very strong hatred of self (but I always sort of have, so it's not new, just the extent may be different). As a consequence, you feel not as motivated, because you you aren't worth it. You don't want to socialise because you are a burden on others and/or you've actually lost touch with the outside world for the time being and you can't seem to understand what anybody is saying. If I use the metaphor where you are struggling to stay afloat in heavy seas by grabbing onto a buoy, it's the feeling of constantly trying to get up to hold the buoy, but slipping because of your own incapabilities and falling into the cold sea again. There is no weight tied to my foot holding me down. Nothing. Everything is fine. I just suck too much to hold onto that buoy properly and I keep trying and keep falling in the water. It's cold and dark and I'm fucking tired. If anyone tries to help, one voice tells you its hopeless anyway, while the voice you try to raise says, shut up, mean-voice, I should keep trying, it makes more logical sense. And the mean-voice says, don't embarrass yourself or don't waste the people's time. And so on. If people praise you, you reason it away. If people want to spend time with you, you reason it away. Better still, someone really clear-headed comes along and says, hey moron, there's a boat here - what's the obsession with the buoy? And you're just like - oh shit, I'm dumb.

Everything is your fault, but nothing to your credit. You know that the likelihood of that imbalance being real is slim, so you know you're deluded. More hate. You know self-hate is counter-productive. More hate. You know it's your own issues, nobody else's problem. More hate.

Ergo, internalised aggression.

Stop thinking. Just breathe. So cliche, but you know. It sorta helps survival, this breathing business. Thinking? Well, that's controversial.

Meanwhile, I have a really sore back, pelvis, legs, etc. I think it's that damn sciatica nerve. Continuous dull ache. I think its from sitting at the computer too much, as well as reading too much lying on my front (lighting, warmth, etc.). So it turns out that trying to solve one problem (reading to try getting to sleep) leads to another. Good one, Cherrie. So, I'm going to get off the computer and lie in bed. And I'll do the same tomorrow, even though my friends are out tonight and tomorrow, as well. Good one. Good. I'm supposed to have tested out the microscope macro by Tuesday, but I couldn't get it to work. In hindsight, I should have tested it on Friday and marked those reports on Saturday. I'm supposed to have got some measurements for Tuesday. Maybe. The half is next Sunday, I wonder what my sciatica nerve thinks about that. I wonder, with the many synapses it has, whether it counts as a thinking thing. In any case, it's aging, too.

Maybe this is all a game to get attention. It's all about vanity, isn't it.

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Thoughtlet

The reason is: carbo-loading.

Technorati Tags : Cherrieland, Thoughtlet

Unrequited Love

Sorry about the lack of updates. The reasons are few:

1. lack of energy
2. too much stuff happening that cannot be discussed in a general way
3. couldn't figure out how to express my thoughts and feelings
4. pretty much sick of thinking about myself
5. didn't want anyone to worry

But let's give it a go anyway, because I'm confused/feel like shit and this may help me sort my thoughts out.

....***....

I have been trying to describe how I feel. Am I happy? Am I sad? I've concluded I must feel the way people feel when love is not returned. I possess intense curiosity and sense of wonder about the Universe - I want to know it, understand it, fight for it and tell everybody about it. I am courting it through Science. But it's not giving up its secrets, but why should it? I feel sad, disappointed and unworthy, but at the same time, hopeful that maybe I'm wrong about myself and that I will one day unlock something... but what? Is the Universe infinite? I don't know, but I'm unlikely to know it all. And I am certain that the Universe is indifferent to my interest (would you call it a passion?). It feels a bit insane, a bit critical.

If we assume that this interest is instinctive, religion can make sense in that it allows us to make believe that the Universe loves us back. Of course, this point is closely related to other (conscious or not) reasons that people may have for converting to religion, e.g. a source of unconditional love (comfort), a code of ethics (guidance), a framework to make sense of the world (or an excuse to dismiss anything they don't understand, i.e. not worry too much), a source of tangible love/support (community). In my mind, these are reasons for individuals to pull towards religion, while politics and commerce are reasons for religion to pull individuals. And I would have mentioned before, I only examine religion because I find it presents interesting characteristics of human nature and perhaps, myself.

But now if I turn to romantic love, typically felt between two people - it is also an interdependence and a leap of faith. You need that person, you want to know more about the person. You can never ever be 100 % sure that person feels the same way or will be there for the rest of your lives, but you observe a few signs and you take that leap, because you'd rather risk that than not be with them at all. The fear of losing them or their love is like the uncomfortable pebble-bottom of life's stream. You are a riverbed waiting for the rain. You want the Universe to tell you that it wants you here.

I sort of make that connection because I don't like the idea of religion and perhaps it means I will never let anyone return their love. I prefer this horrid relationship where the Universe stays still and I am begging for its approval.

What I'm saying is that I feel Not Good. I would use the simple word, "bad", but it may be misunderstood for guilt. I would use something a bit more sophisticated, like, "terrible", but it sounds too dramatic. I just feel Not Good. I was unsure for a while whether I was on a happy average with low points or on a low average and happy points. I think it's a pretty noisy trace, but the average, for sure, is low. I don't really know why, I've been trying for several months not to think about it, because essentially, I thought it was a waste of time. I thought if I just got on with it, it would pass. But maybe I'm just like this. So, let's try to explore that a bit...

Firstly, I don't let successes sink in and become a part of me. I guess I think that if I try not to blame myself when things don't work for no apparent reason, then I shouldn't credit myself for when things just seem to work. That is, you can't feel that it is something wrong with you - that is more counter-productive than making no adjustments to your protocol. But you sort of want to know - is it me??? Should I be stepping aside and giving a more competent person the use of these resources? It is real money, a real life... (the rat's or mine?) Or is it all for my own journey? I worked out that on any given day of experimentation, I may get something like 1 success out of 30 trials, plus - even if I never even image a cell, I will have used 3 - 4 hrs preparing/tidyng up. I realise that it's about learning and that nothing is a failure, because with every wrong or mistake, you learn something, it's problem-solving. But it seems to me that people just want to hear the bottom line. How do I learn to listen to the same words and here something different? I wonder how would I fare in other techniques? Immuno-labelling? Molecular techniques? What about another lab?

Analysis is sort of a funny thing - though it is most frustrating (experimentation just tires me out the most), it is the part I enjoy most because analysis (to me) is more guiding and serves as an anchor point for thoughts/actions relating to experiments, reading, technical and physiological considerations.

I think that's why I also like teaching because that anchors many other skills - organising my thoughts/understanding, explaining it coherently/creatively to others, listening to students to understand their starting point, motivating students, learning in a classroom environment, etc.

I am a bit annoyed with my poor ability in expressing right now. A lot of it is just my own issue - my thoughts and feelings are all over the place. Compressed gas, I suppose. I need to step back, put it all in order and THEN open my mouth. But on the other hand, I also feel that (a) I don't get enough of a pause to do that - i.e. when people ask questions, if I don't answer within a second or so, I get cut off, so I feel a bit of pressure to speak instantaneously and I am definitely one of those people ("introverts") that need to think for a bit before I feel like I'm ready to give an answer. I don't mind thinking while speaking, but only with a good stagger between thinking and speaking, if you get what I mean - I need that initial pause to create that stagger in timing. And no, I don't want to use a verbal filler like "um". It's fucking annoying. (b) I don't actually think people listen all that much around here. People live in their heads (as do I), and it's very difficult to entice people out of it. When I speak, I can see that people go into their heads immediately and are thinking about perhaps the first thing I said, as opposed to listening to the end of my "story" and then thinking the whole thing through. I mean, I do it myself, so I'm not trying to point fingers. It may be because there are so many thoughts going on inside our heads that if you listen all the way through, you'll lose some of those initial thoughts. But then sometimes I have a little notepad jotting down people's points as they speak, but not interrupting them. I guess that's why I prefer chatting online because it sort of slows things down a bit and you can put no energy into memory, but rather all in processing.

I had a sort of funny thought today that perhaps a reason for me not to continue in Science, would be so that I would not embarrass my supervisor(s). Another thing that is on my mind is that some people seem to have/develop real issues with their supervisors and that really bugs me. Like with any relationship, you have to put effort into not letting insecurities/jealousy/neediness/bitterness get the better of you. But for some reason a lot of students despise their supervisors. For sure, I am sometimes tempted to feel bitter if they haven't met me at my expectations, but then that's when I have to adjust my expectations/perspective, given that I feel I have communicated my needs adequately (and filtered out "wants" over "needs). I think it's a difficult thing, where relatively young/immature people are put under extreme internal pressure to achieve/grow and they look to their supervisors for intellectual guidance, emotional support and flags to demarcate stepping stones reached, when really, it's not the supervisor's requirement to offer emotional support and at the same time they're balancing guidance with giving you room to grow. It's like parenthood, but with a bizarre blend of personal and professional attachment. I sometimes feel that on the student's part, you're learning to deal with what to expect of your supervisor, yourself, all the while, your supervisor is there with ideas and help just there on an outstretched hand. But regardless of what they do, you're still going crazy inside either thinking you're too stupid or you should be figuring it out yourself or that they're disinterested and don't care or a multitude of other crazy, useless thoughts. But then people tell me I should be wary and suspicious. But I can't do that, you know? I won't learn from someone I don't trust. It's not the way I'm programmed.

I'm also programmed to belittle my own capacities. It must be frustrating to know that and at the same time see the obnoxious version of Cherrie that swears and talks loudly, proclaims to be the best and mocks other people.

Sure, I must be learning because I'm still alive, I'm still breathing - but it's like trying to reach a distant star - you keep travelling and travelling thinking that you're getting closer - but it's lightyears away and you're not sure it will still be there by the time you have travelled that distance. Furthermore, if that star is your ideal self/life or what you think is your potential, then perhaps, it's just a delusion afterall and you should close that window and have a good look at yourself in the mirror instead. Think about your capacities and what worth they are to society, maybe it is time to change tact. Think about your abilities to relate to others and let them in, maybe it is time to accept that that ideal friendship/closeness won't exist for you. Those things impact on your ability to be a good friend, a good daughter, a good neighbour, etc., etc. and so you have to re-evaluate the person you want to be, so it more closely matches the person you can be. If believing in a big guy in the sky is delusional, then believing in an inflated, gold-plated image of yourself is also. But if self-confidence primes you to jump a little further (i.e. unjustified confidence vs. proof/experience preceding confidence), then God is OK, too. I mean, sure, it's a balance. Whatever.

I'm also a bit saddened and annoyed with the way I'm seeing the world. Mainly, it's the ugly things of humanity or society. The ways that people can be petty or the ways that people are unable to make mistakes or lose. The ways that people build their houses of straw and think it's too good to let anyone else in. It's administrative tasks piling up, it's having to make decisions or think when other people really should have thought about it before me. Of course there is also immense beauty and sacrifice. But I also (naively) thought that when people aged, they grew up. But who am I? I'm different, but also pretty much the same as I was years ago. I'm not any wiser.

I wish it were easier to not have any secrets. I don't know why people tend to think that not saying things or keeping things secretive makes life more simple. I mean, I get it - if you don't say something or if you lie, you'll eventually move on and you don't have to deal with that thing or person anymore. It will always happen. But I think I will still prefer to not be secretive. I can justify every opinion or thought I have and if the basis of that opinion is wrong, I would rather know about it and change it accordingly. But I am learning to keep secrets about myself. I've stopped trying to say as much in these past few years, even though in the years prior I had learned to speak up. Honestly though, I just wish people would ask questions more directly and I can answer frankly. I feel heavy with secrets. Too many. But I am grateful for my friends around the place, because I sort of realise that it's my problem of not reaching out. It's my own fault. But on the other hand, I would like opinion/advice that is unambiguous and not skewed by prejudices. That doesn't exist though, does it?

I went to the library the other day to get some books to read in bed. I started on A Natural History of Rape. It's sorta bullshit. I've pretty much given up on going to bed at 10:30, because my mind/body don't give a fuck that I'm tired. Well now, how am I supposed to care?

....***....

Oh, I learned how to ski and snowboard. Also, gearing for half marathon. Ran about 40 km in the past two weeks (in 4 sessions). Been busy lately with PJC and ACJM's wedding/departure and all events associated with that - dinners, farewells, afternoon teas, presents... etc. and also handing over of lab duties to me, mostly. Sort of an opportunity to step up. Friends' birthdays. Been going to this bar on Sundays once in a while to hang out with these guys from CQ, none of whom are in Science - it's like a breath of fresh air. But sort of hard to make the time when you have Mon lab meetings to worry about and at the end of the day I feel most comfortable with nerds. :) I don't know if I mentioned I got the old H1N1. I've been sick every second month of this year. It's bullshit. I had my first panic attack one day. The day that MBC told me to go home and chill out and think about the big picture. I freaked out that I was being told to chill. I thought I was finally losing my mind, but it actually ceased in about 20 - 30 mins. Interesting. But it was also the stress of trying not to like this person that I could feel I was beginning to like a lot. Fuck this shit eh. My self-esteem is shot. Need to not be in Auckland for a period of time. That would be very good.

MC keeps saying that I can do better and it's sort of a stab in the stomach - my immediate reaction is that I am already trying my hardest and I am just this dumb, so just deal with it. But then I sort of figure that this sort of angry reaction is because I know he's right - I can do better, but I don't know where I've buried my mojo. All this extra stuff around studying is tiring me out before I even get to the thinking. And by tiring I totally mean that small set backs in a bad isolation or weird politics in the office or in the teaching labs or among friends or RP sending me an email or whatever - it's all just extra shit that's demotivating me from saying - hey, what the hell is this calcium doing? I've got to stop having all of these intense feelings. But it means that I'll have to withdraw. That's ok - if it means I can finish within 3 years. It's nothing personal, but I really want to get out. I feel like I'm stuck in glad-wrap.

Well, there's my mind dump. How did I do?

Song of the post: Where Do We Go From Here - Alicia Keys

My man don't want me no more

And he said he needed his time

To clear his mind

Meanwhile I'm losing mine

Oh uh ohhh

We're at the crossroads, my dear

Where do we go from here?

Maybe you won't go, maybe you'll stay

Oh I know I'm gonna miss you either way

It's such a lonely road

Where do we go from here?

All I can do is follow the tracks of my tears

Oh, when I cry your name

Am I calling in vain?

Oh, am I waiting

Only to drown in pain?

Oh, don't you do it

No, said don't you leave me this way

I don't know

If I can lift my head and face another day

Ooh it's such a lonely road

Where do we go from here?

All I can do is follow the tracks of my tears

Usually not the kind of girl who's lost and looking for direction

Tell me - who could this be, staring at me?

When I'm looking in the mirror trying to find a resolution

We're too far gone to find our way home

Where do we go from here? (Maybe you won't go, maybe you'll stay)

All I can do is - follow the tracks of my tears (I'm gonna miss you, either way)

Ooooh oooh

Technorati Tags : Cherrieland, Life

Fly, My Pretties!

No time to blog or think or remember that Rome is in Italy (don't ask)!

BUT, *just* enough procrastinating power to do some Powerpoint-like bullet points... just for you!

June:

• Super away for 2 wks - so naturally, I aimed at over-achievement so he can come back and be impressed! I know, I'm an idiot because I never achieve as much as I want to, but meh, it's useful to motivate myself with a carrot, even if it is a mirage.
• Flatmate in contact with H1N1 kid - quarantined for 72 hrs, I visited the Children's Emergency reception at Auckland Hospital, where she worked, to get Tamiflu. At some point, St. John's got to come to my house. In case you didn't know, it costs quite a bit.
• Sister with me for 2 wks for internship at Kate Sylvester - it was interesting and even nice to have some walking, talking anchoring point in my life, but it was difficult to move from having relatively no obligations to anyone... which I like. We saw Transformers 2, which was very entertaining - naturally, I heart Optimus Prime. And in the words of ID, "Megan Fox was HUGE!!!...on the big screen." Meh, I have my own bitchy opinions.
• Marking for under- and post-grad papers (details of which I'm not supposed to say).
• Usual 3 experiments/wk + analysis + reading + banging my head against a brick wall. But what is interesting is that I'm trying do the animal handling + cell isolation on my own and trying to siphon all sorts of knowledge out of PC before she leaves and I'm the only person who cares about the state of live cells...
• I started baking to de-stress... must be a first in 10 years.
• I'm trying to get to bed by 10:30 pm and trying the whole hot chocolate thing: it actually makes me alert (sugar? cocoa?) and because of the volume and dairy content, I have to have it at least 30 mins before bed. Hm. Might just do the ginger, lemon and honey instead or those dried dragon eyes.
• Flatmate moved out.
• Moods: Pretty good, but tired.

July:

• I tried Bikram Yoga with IV - intensely good. The 40C (?) temperature lets your stretches go further and makes your heart rate skyrocket.
• I actually got H1N1 (or more correctly, high fever for 4 days, flu-like symptoms for about 10 days). I don't think I've had a 39.5 C temperature since back in my preemie baby days.
• Discovery 1
• Saw Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince. It was OK - sort of disruptive editing and a bit mellow for such a dramatic storyline. Focussed too much on relationships. Still, Snape was THE BEST!
• Camp Quality Junior Mini-Camp - great kids - very different experience this time.
• Inadvertantly discovered Mac's bar on Nuffield Street has a nice atmosphere and possibly better beer than Cock & Bull.
• Demonstrated undergrads.
• Oesophageal ulceration - my own stupid fault.
• Usual 3 experiments/wk + analysis + reading + banging my head against a brick wall.
• Super away for 1 wk in Japan and coincidentally, one of the Senior Tutors is in Kobe. Other super has been away for quite some time. He Skyped ID and DB the other night - it was sort of cute. WTF, Cherrie. Yeah, I know. Other other super, aka advisor, leaving in ~7 wks?
• Designed PC + AM's wedding invite - very honoured, but not 100% happy with design for some reason. Still think it's the centering thing. I am prejudiced. Prejudiced against certain design compositions and elements. Like symmetry (cf. balance) and high contrast (cf. clean edges). Miss designing stuff. Rather, miss being in the right mindset to design stuff. Mind is with the up and down.... of life? No. Up and down of cation traces.
• Discovery 2
• At least 2 new potential summer students have been spotted. Oh, the wheels turning! 3rd years are like... 20 yrs old. Ag. Disgusting. :P
• Random man from months ago CALLS at the office. I need to stop talking to strangers, period. And stop saying yes. To giving out my details, to going out, to whatever. Just stop it.
• Fire alarm at 9 pm at FMHS - random excitement. False alarm. Next day - back up data.
• Bought 2640 g of mildly dark chocolate. Win.
• Moods: really up and down. Started the meds again.
• Have had some interesting conversations this week. I think I got to know a few people a bit better. It's interesting... I want MORE interesting. WHERE ARE YOU, my PRECIOUS?!!

August:

• Started running again after a 2 month hiatus. I suck. A lot. As in 20 mins = tired. But try again tomorrow. Aim: 21 km=1:45, Nov. Gotta do it, gotta do it. (need to stop getting sick first). *sigh*
• Going to try Leek + Potato soup. I've never had this "leek" before. White people food. Heh.

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Rock Hard

If you're ever feeling down, rock hard like this kid:

Technorati Tags : Cherrieland, Spreading Happiness, Video

Bluepill Redpill

Hmm, so last Thurs MC kindly suggested that I should take a chill pill at least one day per week (DC reiterates this point, as does everyone who knows me, I'm sure). Well, I'm embarrassed that I still have to be told this sort of thing - I'm a grown woman!! IV thought this last phrase was hilarious... =(

Well, I don't want to be the stresser or the sad one, or generally show any weakness, because history has shown that our lab does not take 'weakness' lightly. No, in all fairness the lab is very supportive and understanding, but it's just scary to watch people drop out of a PhD or not get offered one. It's scary shit. I guess that in general, people prefer extroverted, witty, clever/skilled at many things, humble, easy-going, deep, involved, logical and compassionate types - just like von Neumann.

I know about von Neumann from Chapter 5 of "Who Got Einstein's Office?", which talks about people who have been through the Institute of Advanced Study in (not of) Princeton. I read that chapter last night. And Chapter 4 the night before, 3 the night before and 2 the night before that... Yes, you're quite right, I was offered this book at the meeting with MC. I can look at brief biographies of people like von Neumann in three main ways: (1) a goal I can never attain; (2) a goal; (3) a goal I used to achieve. Depends on the day, I guess.

Chapter 4 was about fractals (see also) and set theory. I am fascinated by fractals, simply because I don't really understand them and I cannot imagine these extra dimensions in my mind. In fact, I couldn't get to sleep because I was probably thinking about transcendental numbers and I couldn't stay asleep for very long so I could look them up online in the morning. I hate that. The subconscious OCD-ness, despite conscious self-discipline... most of the time.

Chapter 1 was boring - about the Institute's beginnings and Flexnor, the guy who visioned and ran it for a while. Chapter 2 was on Einstein I think and it was disappointingly scarce on detail. 3 was on Godel and I found it sad that he thought he had not given enough to the Institute, the world, nor God. The writer goes on tangents sometimes, it's a bit weird and ever so slightly annoying.

Well, since Chapter 4 (and installing bloody CS3, which took 5x more time than what I allocated) gave me only 3.5 hours of sleep on Sun night, I think all of the new information from various people in my life was teetering me like a Jenga tower and I got horrendously upset last night and in fact, this morning. Don't get me wrong, I feel privileged to be in the know, but I guess there are many things to think about now and my brain bled some tears. It's also why I'm not talking to people, because there's a traffic jam into the Broca's. Hm... I know I don't have any control over the family worries, but at least I can offer my ears and money. I guess.

Well, I made a worry pie. I won't make a happy pie, simply because too many things make me happy and I'm easily amused, anyway. It's sort of funny that IJ's worry is over whether or not he wants to stay in science, moreso than whether or not he has the ability to do well, whereas I am definitely the other way around.

12 months from now, 7 people in my life are expected to no longer be in "reachable" distance. Well, why not.

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