Listening to Under the Iron Sea by Keane. Brilliant stuff, imho.
I'm so obsessive. Just look at the way I listen to music.
I wonder if I need more idle brain time? Or am I not thinking enough?
I've had some rest this long Auckland Anniversary (wow, that was 2006?) weekend, so now I can recap last week with a bit of perspective. Being the silly fool that I am, I did not realise (again) that I was very tired. Not only does this affect me and my work, it affects others, too, which I am very sorry about. But I keep getting lack of motivation and being tired confused, which is troublesome because they have opposing remedies. Hmph. But why, though? Am I iron-deficient or is this a sign of ageing? Or am I a hypochondriac?
Walking Dotted Curves

Well, I have been trying to summarise a small body of work for this poster and last week I was also trying to summarise what I have done for the past year. The problem is that I still don't see the complete picture very clearly and this perturbs my "goal-oriented" personality, even when I know that most people don't until they have finished writing. But I have just realised that for almost everything (the day, the week, my life ahead), I draw a conceptual, tentative roadmap without much conscious thought and start breaking it down into small doable steps. Science is not like that, no matter what people say. Well, it hasn't been for me. I think you start off with a very big vague destination that doesn't give much information about your actual final endpoint. It's like saying you will go to the Northern Hemisphere - but where? You know you will probably use various modes of transportation, but which is best and in which order? Have people travelled that way before? Here you are doing experiments that are like unveiling stepping stones, but not necessarily in the order that they should be stepped - it's up to you to pave a feasible path of progress or relevance. And you have to do this without feeling that the path you have designed is contrived - I find that difficult, though ultimately it will be an Achille's Heel. It is strange because I have no problem doing it everday (just read this blog, for e.g.) - I am always bullshitting (in the nicest way) about life (or whatever) to fit into various theories or crossing ideas from one discipline to another - but I only feel comfortable doing that because I know it's silly - nobody is ever going to give it a second thought. For some reason, I think that my thesis shouldn't be silly (despite the fact that nobody is going to read that either, but people might read the papers). Why do I think everything I do is stupid and silly?
But I get that by doing a little by little, you will get the whole thing done. I have no issue with delayed gratification and persistence. In fact, I remember saying that to someone in 5th form, when they asked me how I managed to finish my Art portfolio with such apparent ease on top of everything else. I was very matter-of-fact and said that I simply worked on it everyday out of class. I would set up my work book or panel when I got home so I could work on it whenever I felt like, which turned out to be often. But the portfolio was only one year's work, it involved very much less analysis (observation/intepretation, experimentation of concepts and skills and refinement/choice of techniques and compositions and some study of previous works, etc.) and the big picture was pretty much given since we had limited still life resources. I think the big difference is that I was somewhat secure in my ability to draw, paint and compose, which was reinforced in my teachers' and peers' body language. I would like to say their words, but I honestly only remember the look of delight or pleasure in their eyes when absorbing my shapes and colours - and I could see that they were MY shapes and colours, because despite having the same subject matter, each person in the class produced very different works. But I think the security gave me the freedom to be more adventurous and therefore, progressive. Now I understand why some people never tried at school.
Another trait I have to manipulate is my need for completeness. I think it shows through in
- learning - I will convince myself I don't understand it at all until I believe I understand it 'all' - the trick is to segment learning into sublevels of completeness, because really I will never understand it all. Trouble is, the world of knowledge and discoveries aren't nicely packaged into curricula for me, anymore. Deal with it, C!
- conversations - I always try to answer a question completely, although in recent times I have realised when to STOP TALKING (sometimes)
- perfectionism - I will argue it's for completeness, not perfection (coz. I think perfection is relative, so that sort of makes it a "standard", rather than perfection). However, most people will tell you I'm a perfectionist, despite my trying to explain that I'm only striving for a certain standard that I set myself.
Progress And Happiness
I should confess that I got a bit upset on Thurs when MC asked about "progress" and "happiness", which unfortunately provoke feelings of confusion and nausea these days. Anyway, I was frustrated and stressed (and actually tired, but I only realised that when he pointed it out) and trying to de-frustrate by doing some analysis (I know, seems a bit of an oxymoron) when he came in to ask whether I had made any progress since the last time we had spoken. I stupidly (in the emotional way that I do these days) said I had made no progress, which even I will admit isn't true and I think it was sort of rude/defiant to say that... Anyway, I don't know how it happened, but as he was critiquing my work (I am sure, in a constructive way), I just kept hearing you-do-not-have-the-skills-nor-emotional-maturity-required-for-this and I was trying to breathe deeply (parasympathetic burst), but it didn't work and a very small volume of tears formed. ACK ACK ACK, Cherrie! ACK.
I feel like I have very little control over my emotions these days, not because my filters between feeling and behaviour are disarmed, but rather the feelings are fighting IN FORCE. I do think sleep will help in that regard, but I also think I need to learn better ways to deal with these strong feelings. I guess that is what the other students did and once they get that sort of sussed, they can progress in their work. I guess that is why you can't rush a PhD, because you can't really dictate emotional development. Patience is a virtue. I don't understand why I feel that no other PhD person can relate to me or understand what I am feeling, but that's how I feel about it.
Anyway, MC asked me, "do you want to quit?" and that made me more upset because even though I want these bad feelings to end, I know that if I quit, these feelings of self-hate will magnify. I will not face a Cherrie that quits anything because of a few tears and blue days. But another point is that I am so low in confidence right now that if I quit, I know I will have no confidence in doing anything else either (I will brood). Sure, over time, I may learn to get over it, but there will never be any closure (completeness?!). Thus, quitting is not the sensible thing to do.
One thing I don't understand is how I can be doing OK if I am not engaging with my data. That appears to be a contradiction.
I feel bad that MC has to deal with this, of course. I strongly believe that it is not his obligation to hold my hand, even though it might be necessary. So I'm grateful. According to LR, the (ex?)-anatomy students/crowd have an opinion about me and my PhD, even though I don't even know most of them. I wish I had that sort of respect for myself, though I suspect it is more a reflection of their opinion of my supervisors, rather than a real opinion of me. Still makes me a bit puzzled why supposed scientists would make such assumptions about any of us, though.
Egocentricity
You know, before I started research, most of my blog entries were about STUFF. Not about me. Now it's just always about me. No wonder nobody reads this anymore. Oooh, something not related to me, strictly:
Interesting: Ogori and Generosity (social experiment in business)
Talk
I am still surprised that when people want to talk about their problems, they have all the time in the world, but when I am requesting for some assistance, there is no-one around. Sure, maybe I'm not being very obvious. Oh well, who cares. I find it odd that I have 480 FB friends and can still only have one person to call when I'm stuck at Pukekohe needing contact lenses. I mean, yeah that's a meaningless comparison because being FB friend doesn't mean much, but people seem to enjoy meaningless numbers when they don't actually appreciate what they don't mean.
What a cynical charmer. ;)












