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Listening to Under the Iron Sea by Keane. Brilliant stuff, imho.

I'm so obsessive. Just look at the way I listen to music.

I wonder if I need more idle brain time? Or am I not thinking enough?

I've had some rest this long Auckland Anniversary (wow, that was 2006?) weekend, so now I can recap last week with a bit of perspective. Being the silly fool that I am, I did not realise (again) that I was very tired. Not only does this affect me and my work, it affects others, too, which I am very sorry about. But I keep getting lack of motivation and being tired confused, which is troublesome because they have opposing remedies. Hmph. But why, though? Am I iron-deficient or is this a sign of ageing? Or am I a hypochondriac?

Walking Dotted Curves

Well, I have been trying to summarise a small body of work for this poster and last week I was also trying to summarise what I have done for the past year. The problem is that I still don't see the complete picture very clearly and this perturbs my "goal-oriented" personality, even when I know that most people don't until they have finished writing. But I have just realised that for almost everything (the day, the week, my life ahead), I draw a conceptual, tentative roadmap without much conscious thought and start breaking it down into small doable steps. Science is not like that, no matter what people say. Well, it hasn't been for me. I think you start off with a very big vague destination that doesn't give much information about your actual final endpoint. It's like saying you will go to the Northern Hemisphere - but where? You know you will probably use various modes of transportation, but which is best and in which order? Have people travelled that way before? Here you are doing experiments that are like unveiling stepping stones, but not necessarily in the order that they should be stepped - it's up to you to pave a feasible path of progress or relevance. And you have to do this without feeling that the path you have designed is contrived - I find that difficult, though ultimately it will be an Achille's Heel. It is strange because I have no problem doing it everday (just read this blog, for e.g.) - I am always bullshitting (in the nicest way) about life (or whatever) to fit into various theories or crossing ideas from one discipline to another - but I only feel comfortable doing that because I know it's silly - nobody is ever going to give it a second thought. For some reason, I think that my thesis shouldn't be silly (despite the fact that nobody is going to read that either, but people might read the papers). Why do I think everything I do is stupid and silly?

But I get that by doing a little by little, you will get the whole thing done. I have no issue with delayed gratification and persistence. In fact, I remember saying that to someone in 5th form, when they asked me how I managed to finish my Art portfolio with such apparent ease on top of everything else. I was very matter-of-fact and said that I simply worked on it everyday out of class. I would set up my work book or panel when I got home so I could work on it whenever I felt like, which turned out to be often. But the portfolio was only one year's work, it involved very much less analysis (observation/intepretation, experimentation of concepts and skills and refinement/choice of techniques and compositions and some study of previous works, etc.) and the big picture was pretty much given since we had limited still life resources. I think the big difference is that I was somewhat secure in my ability to draw, paint and compose, which was reinforced in my teachers' and peers' body language. I would like to say their words, but I honestly only remember the look of delight or pleasure in their eyes when absorbing my shapes and colours - and I could see that they were MY shapes and colours, because despite having the same subject matter, each person in the class produced very different works. But I think the security gave me the freedom to be more adventurous and therefore, progressive. Now I understand why some people never tried at school.

Another trait I have to manipulate is my need for completeness. I think it shows through in

1. learning - I will convince myself I don't understand it at all until I believe I understand it 'all' - the trick is to segment learning into sublevels of completeness, because really I will never understand it all. Trouble is, the world of knowledge and discoveries aren't nicely packaged into curricula for me, anymore. Deal with it, C!
2. conversations - I always try to answer a question completely, although in recent times I have realised when to STOP TALKING (sometimes)
3. perfectionism - I will argue it's for completeness, not perfection (coz. I think perfection is relative, so that sort of makes it a "standard", rather than perfection). However, most people will tell you I'm a perfectionist, despite my trying to explain that I'm only striving for a certain standard that I set myself.

Anyway, BC already told me 6 years ago I had to let that completeness thing go. *Sigh* Adults know so much more than I thought they knew at the time. How embarrassing.

Progress And Happiness

I should confess that I got a bit upset on Thurs when MC asked about "progress" and "happiness", which unfortunately provoke feelings of confusion and nausea these days. Anyway, I was frustrated and stressed (and actually tired, but I only realised that when he pointed it out) and trying to de-frustrate by doing some analysis (I know, seems a bit of an oxymoron) when he came in to ask whether I had made any progress since the last time we had spoken. I stupidly (in the emotional way that I do these days) said I had made no progress, which even I will admit isn't true and I think it was sort of rude/defiant to say that... Anyway, I don't know how it happened, but as he was critiquing my work (I am sure, in a constructive way), I just kept hearing you-do-not-have-the-skills-nor-emotional-maturity-required-for-this and I was trying to breathe deeply (parasympathetic burst), but it didn't work and a very small volume of tears formed. ACK ACK ACK, Cherrie! ACK.

I feel like I have very little control over my emotions these days, not because my filters between feeling and behaviour are disarmed, but rather the feelings are fighting IN FORCE. I do think sleep will help in that regard, but I also think I need to learn better ways to deal with these strong feelings. I guess that is what the other students did and once they get that sort of sussed, they can progress in their work. I guess that is why you can't rush a PhD, because you can't really dictate emotional development. Patience is a virtue. I don't understand why I feel that no other PhD person can relate to me or understand what I am feeling, but that's how I feel about it.

Anyway, MC asked me, "do you want to quit?" and that made me more upset because even though I want these bad feelings to end, I know that if I quit, these feelings of self-hate will magnify. I will not face a Cherrie that quits anything because of a few tears and blue days. But another point is that I am so low in confidence right now that if I quit, I know I will have no confidence in doing anything else either (I will brood). Sure, over time, I may learn to get over it, but there will never be any closure (completeness?!). Thus, quitting is not the sensible thing to do.

One thing I don't understand is how I can be doing OK if I am not engaging with my data. That appears to be a contradiction.

I feel bad that MC has to deal with this, of course. I strongly believe that it is not his obligation to hold my hand, even though it might be necessary. So I'm grateful. According to LR, the (ex?)-anatomy students/crowd have an opinion about me and my PhD, even though I don't even know most of them. I wish I had that sort of respect for myself, though I suspect it is more a reflection of their opinion of my supervisors, rather than a real opinion of me. Still makes me a bit puzzled why supposed scientists would make such assumptions about any of us, though.

Egocentricity

You know, before I started research, most of my blog entries were about STUFF. Not about me. Now it's just always about me. No wonder nobody reads this anymore. Oooh, something not related to me, strictly:

Interesting: Ogori and Generosity (social experiment in business)

New words: hubris and prosaic

Talk

I am still surprised that when people want to talk about their problems, they have all the time in the world, but when I am requesting for some assistance, there is no-one around. Sure, maybe I'm not being very obvious. Oh well, who cares. I find it odd that I have 480 FB friends and can still only have one person to call when I'm stuck at Pukekohe needing contact lenses. I mean, yeah that's a meaningless comparison because being FB friend doesn't mean much, but people seem to enjoy meaningless numbers when they don't actually appreciate what they don't mean.

What a cynical charmer. ;)

Technorati Tags : Cherrieland

9 Days Of January 2010

Friday Headed off to camp, met TR's brother's family on the way, found out about RM's sad news. :(

Monday Coincidentally, it has been exactly 3 years since DP's death. I must say that day to day, I understand more and more of the conversations we had and his opinions. I am unsure whether this is a sign I'm getting a bit blue in my old age or whether he was light-years ahead of me in his power of observation. To think that I was so dismissive of his opinions back then and so adamant that his pessimistic views were wrong. It still unnerves me to remember that he said he talked to me to "sharpen the knife". I took it to mean his mind at the time, but for 3 years now it could have meant something else. I wonder what he would say if he saw me now. I bet he would know exactly what to say. I did wonder whether or not I should tell RM, but I think it would be intrusive of me. He didn't tell me what had happened, TR did. So. And just because of this experience (and others) with suicide doesn't mean I am a better listener or in a better position to comfort him.

Friday Back from camp: EXHAUSTED. Did not go to after-party... probably should have, but I was way too tired to pretend that drunken people don't scare me. Camp was good - I enjoy playing with children, making them laugh, showing them "cool" things and encouraging/supporting them in the things they do. However, I did not expect to be thrust into high-school again - where girls are secretive, superficial ("hot list", anyone?), deceptive, temperamental... and I couldn't walk away like I usually do. In that way, I feel that I am not an appropriate senior companion: I'm just not that hyper-social person that most girls are and/or want to be. The most shocking thing (though I suppose I should have expected it), was my camper's argumentative and defiant attitude towards me (and no-one else). I suppose I became some sort of parental figure and therefore someone to be disposed of at every chance. I suppose I wasn't completely angelic towards my parents when I was 13/14 (I think I was very irritable, moody and thought my parents didn't know anything), but I hope I didn't negate everything they said, nor reject them in petty/hurtful ways. I suppose I did. But at least I wasn't superficial, discriminatory nor deceptive. God, I do apologise to my parents. It must have been awful. In my defence, I had convinced myself they didn't love me (don't ask, I don't know). Anyway, it was tiring to (a) feel alienation like that again and (b) keep trying to please while being repeatedly rejected. You'd think I'd be used to feeling alienated and rejected. Ironic. It was interesting though, to get into the minds of this range of teenage girls (and companions to some extent), since I seem to have completely foregone that stage. That's the thing, you see - I don't judge it all. It's probably a fundamental part of the emotional and social maturation. I really missed the children and the noise today. I love how at camp, you can look up at any moment and see an adult entertaining a child and the child filled with glee. I managed to have a few good conversations with some of the other companions and one of the campers (who was older and was beginning to take an interest in philosophical thoughts - that's a domain I'm comfortable in, yo :P). I also really enjoyed observing a young girl who had DS. I had looked after her before and still find her fascinating. I don't know if she recognised me this camp, but she likes to stare at me - I wonder what she is thinking? She actually learns very quickly and understands instructions if given in a clear and concise way. She has ways of communicating with herself that are evident if you watch closely. For example, one afternoon she had a sheet of Sponge Bob stickers. After giving one sticker to each of her companions, she set about going through each sticker, imitating each cartoon character - she seemed fully entertained and quite aware that nobody else was playing with her, as if she was used to making up and playing her own game. She did not even notice when I imitated her from across the table (most other kids do, as they usually look up to see who is watching them). After that game, she then began to count the rows of stickers. At first, I thought she was only counting the sets of four, but then realised that she actually counted up to 15 (all of the stickers). I don't even know if that is amazing for her or not, but it certainly amazed me. One thing I found a bit disconcerting was the number of people trying to "pick up" at camp. I mean, it's actually a bit embarrassing to have to think of reasons to escape the "conversation" and especially when other companions/campers notice something odd going on. What a hassle that was, especially when you know the pursuer in question is actually just fishing. I'm glad that MC highlighted for me the difference between flattery and compliments. But on the other hand, I loved seeing the dedication of some of the other companions, especially those veterans who had been there for a few camps and don't even give a second's thought to the good they are doing. They are habituated good-doers. What an outstanding state of being. When they are acknowledged, they shed a rare tear, as if they are surprised at their own capabilities and achievements. Amazing. I think it's funny that SS joked (?) that I am never impressed, when in actual fact, people/things are making impressions on me continuously. But I'm like a black hole, it's hard to see into me. I think those guys think I'm emotionless (and a myriad of other derogatory terms), which may be true, I'm not sure. I just remind myself that this is my PhD self... they have never seen me in any other way.

Sunday Tomorrow is ND's picnic since he is back in NZ for a brief time. It should be good to catch up with him and to get together with everyone.

Overview I don't know who I can trust anymore. There are many people around and yet I feel like there is no-one to talk to. It's weird, eh. I feel like I should learn to get through all of these moods on my own, because people always seem to leave in the end. But I want 2010 to be an awesome year! I am inspired by the many talented and warm-hearted children I've seen in the past week. And I'm still going to trust, because someone has to give - it might as well be me. I have to trust my instincts more, because I always seem to find out (even if much later) that they had been right all along.

Technorati Tags : Cherrieland, Life

New Deep

Resolutions

Super fail at the sleep one. I listen to the iPod less (e.g. I definitely don't listen to it on the way to work, as to let my mind "wake up"). I practised the guitar once this week, went for a run, did some stretches/push-ups, reduced FB at work (but I don't know how to block it)... I'm no longer losing weight and I am not as angry! I think I was really pleased with one week at work with no interruptions and just some solid thinking going on... but then last week was back to people/distractions everywhere + experiments, so I feel a little frazzled again. I dunno.

Keane

I other notes, I absolutely LOVE "Hopes and Fears" by Keane (for some reason I only have 8 of the songs). Just love it. I can barely breathe when it's playing. :) I especially love, "Somewhere Only We Know", "Bend and Break", "We Might As Well Be Strangers", "Everybody's Changing" and "Sunshine" (I haven't checked these vids, I hope they are OK). I just LOVE LOVE LOVE it. I wish I could buy stuff off Amazon UK, because their albums are only 5 GBP!

I also started listening to Muse and I quite like them. I also want to try (more) of Travis, Oasis, Pink Floyd, Radiohead and The Mars Volta. Just testing, eh? I like pianos, guitars and... thoughtful emotions, I suppose. :)

Technorati Tags : Cherrieland, Keane, Music, Resolutions

2010: Not Swallowed In The Sea

Resolutions for 2010

I wasn't going to think back, nor think forward. I was not going to think about myself at all. I'm mad I spend all my time reviewing and conceptualising, but not living. But I don't want to spend another year charging around, burying myself under another red herring. *Sigh*, so let's try for some direction then:

1. be less angry (at myself)
2. be less cynical
3. be present when communicating (too lost in my head, particularly during small talk)
4. find healthy outlets for my feelings
5. plan ahead, to make better use of time
6. be assertive
7. stop involuntarily losing weight (I keep skipping meals by accident)
8. reduce coffee intake (e.g. one cup/week)

Ok, fine, you want some concrete goals (I didn't actually do that well with last year's goals):

1. follow a healthy daily routine, e.g.
• get into bed by 10:30 p.m., which means I have to
• get home by 9 p.m. so that I can actually eat (technically, it should be 8:30 p.m., but I'll have a smaller meal), but that means, I have to
• get up at 6 a.m. to have enough hours in the day
2. take up a new hobby that minimises interaction with people*, i.e.
• learn to play the guitar
3. get my driver's license (despite having no car, nor potential car in near future)
4. follow a more disciplined exercise routine, e.g.
• at least 2 sessions/week to train for the full marathon
• at least one has to be a run (maybe the other can be at the gym)
5. no Facebook at work
• I've actually blocked it (see tutorial - ok that didn't actually work :( )
• this goes alongside no video or audio (as it has always been!!!)
6. headphones/iPod only while exercising, i.e.
• not for walking between uni and home

Basically, I think I use Facebook and my iPod as ways to drown/numb my feelings, with the side-effect being it also numbs my thoughts. So, I really should deal with my feelings some other way. I also think Fb saturates my brain with unnecessary information about people and things I don't care about.

* I don't mean I dislike interaction - it is just that recent events are reminiscent of those of high-school, when people stopped talking to each other for no good reason, when people lived in weekly dramas of who got most wasted, who did this with whom, etc., etc. And though I don't mind being a bouncing board so that they can reach a resolution quickly, I do have the urge to walk away, as I did in 7th form (and buried myself in work and stress - thank god for CP, et. al.). I have no idea who reads this and I am not out here to offend anyone - but I'm just trying to be as honest as I can be RIGHT NOW. You are welcome to prove me wrong. In fact, I welcome the change in thinking.

Let's Reduce 2009 Into A Self-Reflective Summary =S

It's been varied and interesting. To be very honest, I found it overwhelming. Things about life, people, Science, me have been new and well, lots of it. I have tried to read to build some sense, but I sort of wish that someone would just explain to me what's going on.

I define friendship differently - like we're particles blown into the wind - sometimes a cluster sticks together, at other times they will drift apart. The transience doesn't make them worth any less, but I shouldn't stress or get sad when they do drift beyond my control.

I know what it feels like to lose motivation and confidence. If you add desperation, it gets ugly. Now I know how powerful negative feelings are and how they can hijack my logic and working memory. Also, how hypersensitivity reduces my ability to learn/receive constructive criticism.

I think I define love a little differently. I realised how separate attraction and trust are, but they are equally important. I realise that it is quite easy to get caught up in emotions, so I am more understanding of those who seemingly act irrationally.

A thing that kept me going was remembering that lots of people/society have put in a tremendous amount of time and money into raising me and funding lessons/experiences that have shaped me thus far. I have no excuse not to achieve or at least try.

It's like I have to learn not to sail into the wind. It's like that's all I've been doing. And I've been stalling.

So many times I thought I "got" something, but hadn't at all, e.g. (1) I thought I accepted that nothing is "perfect", but then I dismiss my data, my analytical method(s), my thinking; (2) I knew that the big picture, balance and variety are important for creativity and problem-solving and yet I get stuck in the minute details; (3) I thought I understood to not take criticism personally, but actually - how else do you take it? With sugar?. When did this chasm between knowing and doing form in me? But when will I know I understand anything, if I will never know how deep it can actually go? And because we could go on discovering/understanding forever, should I just buy into this _faith_ that I will one day understand _enough_?

Why is it that I spend so much time in (meta)^n-cognition instead of using my mind to deal with reality? Why, instead of playing the game, do I spend my time asking about the value and origin of the game at universal, societal and personal levels? But this is my game? Why do I even do this? How does it help propagate my genes, exactly? Why am I such an alien!!! A mediocre alien!

I wonder if anyone will ever know about all the other parts of me, my stories. Why have I never had a best friend? I don't know.

This blatant lack of structure and "summary" was pretty much what 2009 was. But at least the feelings come through. 2009: the year of feeling. It was good. Let it end.

Recently, I've been sleeping better. Something about reflecting it's been a good day. I never knew about that trick. WHY?!

2010: I'm going to regain an element of faith.

"You belong with me, not swallowed in the sea."

Technorati Tags : 2009, 2010, Cherrieland, Life, Resolution

Marcus Buckingham Made Me Cry, The Bastard!

So... Cat (see comments on previous posts) told me about Marcus Buckingham, a "British motivator, trainer, public speaker, researcher and author", who has been featured on shows like, Oprah. I thought he would be repetitive and patronising (e.g. Chicken Soup books, The Secret, etc.) , but he wasn't. The video (below) hit a nerve (fuck, I haven't cried in months, have I?). Grr. Issues.

Honestly, the title, "The Truth About You" makes me roll my eyes, but maybe I should just read it... I need something to read at night anyway. Wish his accent wasn't half Americanised though. Probably drops his sales somewhat. :P Well, I've just requested it from the public library. Go, me.

Technorati Tags : Cherrieland, Marcus Buckingham, Motivation, Potential, Self-Help

November. The Period Is There On Purpose

Recent Places

When I was younger, I thought that travelling was for those aimless, "worldly" people who sought external stimuli. I don't think that anymore, but then, I like travelling now. It's an opportunity to... look through different air.

Instead of writing a lot, I'll just draw a table:

New* Notable^ Love` Out”	Hong Kong (~ 18 days)	Japan (~ 4 days)
Experience	*`Sai Kung reservoir *`Kam Shan reservoir *^G-ma through cataract surgery `Logistical efficiency	*`Onsen (Japanese Spa) in Shirahama *`Osaka, Kyoto, Kobe *Live teppanyaki ^`General public courtesy
Taste	*`Grapefruit sake *"Dark choc Vitasoy Soya Drink *`Coconut juice with evaporated milk *^“Man face” (a preserved fruit of unknown name) *^UCC Maccha coffee *`UCC "Water-dripped" coffee `Sugar Apple `Dim sums "Blood "Egg-y pancake	*Kobi beef *`Crab sashimi *`Ume (plum) udon `Sushi/sashimi in general `Cold soba
Sight	^Barack Obama and Hu Jintao on TV on the train (and nobody caring) *^Dim sum production line at Shanghainese restaurant *`Hong Kong style pig roasting *Monkeys(?) at Kam Shan ^"Dead one on the road :(	^Puffer Fish `^Sunset *Jelly fish sashimi *Whale meat :(
Idea	^Student loans do not have to be paid back if 7 years after completion of tertiary study, the IRD cannot find you ^Public disclosure and criticism of government spending on its properties (e.g. office space) - news item ^Institute of Science & Technology (commericialism)	^Bars where women go to buy conversation from men and a ranking of their popularity

Book

Rushed through The Great Gatsby (1925, F. Scott Fitzgerald) in HK. I wish I could reject the idea that illusionis necessary for society. But I suppose if my ideals are better than me, then yours are better than you, too. Therefore, if there isn't some level of deception, we could never like ourselves or anyone else.... ? I started Eats Shoots & Leaves: The Zero Tolerance Approach to Punctuation (2003, Lynn Truss). It is an interesting topic (to me), but the trouble is, this woman is too verbose. Thank you, Shatin Public Library.

Movies

~29 hours on planes - what else am I supposed to do?

	(500) Days of Summer (2009): 6.5/10 A couple of (male) friends recommended this, saying it was interesting because (1) the stereotypic male/female roles were reversed and (2) mostly males in the cinema enjoyed it (and that I'd probably enjoy it). >=( Well, I disagree with (1) and think that maybe the male and female leads reflect a single person's state of being under different circumstances: rejecting and being rejected, with the film empathising with the rejected and exaggerating the lack of compassion by the rejectee. As for (2), I feel that this film is very true to 'feelings in relationships', though should I make that judgement? Summary: I feel terrible for the guy, but at the same time think, "Well, that's life." Spoiler Alert: This film loses an extra 15% for naming the next girl "Autumn".
	The Time Traveler's Wife (2009): 5/10 This is based on a 2005 novel by Audrey Niffenegger. I watched it because Mum did and it would be a point of conversation. This is a romance - no other character, relationship, place or logic is developed well except for the couple shown. Spoiler Alert: The only bit that really sticks in my mind is the when the woman finds out that the first time the man kissed her (when she was 18 and he was ~45-travelled back in time) was right after he had had a secret vasectomy and he was upset/angry/fearful at the situation (ironic that a chasm in the romance causes the stress that allows him to travel back in time to begin it). However, when the woman finds out (in present time), she is angry and tells him he had manipulated her (given he had befriended her when she was ~6). But I guess, this man does not have control over where/when he travels and at the time of the kiss and he is not supposed to be able to change things (this part doesn't really make sense). In any case, I guess every relationship (interaction?) requires a bit of manipulation to begin/sustain it, so... Anyway, dumb ending.
	Garden State (2004) Have been wanting to watch this for ages. Only got part-way through and it's quite funny so far.
	Up (2009): 9/10 Recommended by friends, "it's so YOU, Cherrie!" Great story of an old man trying to fulfil his wife's dream. The kid and the dog that come into it really add to the message of this movie (read below). Perhaps not as good as Wall-E, but still highly-recommended. Spoiler Alert: When he fulfils it (after much courage), he finds that she had already fulfilled her dream when she was alive - that of being in love with/loved by him. This reminds me of a few conversations I have had in the past year, where women have told me that men don't "get" that women can give up their aspirations (and be perfectly happy) for love. Anyway, I don't think this film was about love in that sense, but more about the giving aspect. The child and the dog also give relentlessly and unconditionally, showing that this sort of love can be found anywhere...
	The Ugly Truth (2009): 5.5/10 I like romantic comedies... Don't shoot me! OK, basically every element is poorly-established/-developed. But - Gerard Butler - so, who cares.
	The Hangover (2009): 5/10 How is the 6th highest grossing film of 2009? It was sort of funny, but I really didn't like some parts of it, e.g. Asian gangsta - it was so cliche. One good point about this film is that this sort of humour is usually accompanied by a very annoying character or repetitive device of some sort and it wasn't.
	On His Majesty's Secret Service (2009): 4/10 A cantonese comedy. It was silly, as expected. Bad acting, as expected. A short film that fit well into the time left on the plane.
	Funny People (2009): 7.5/10 A film about a person's life. "Exploring" the values of materials (career, money) versus people (friendship, love). Guess which wins?
	This Is It (2009): 8.5/10 I actually saw this before I left NZ. It was much better than I thought and I marvel at MJ's abilities. I don't feel like I have the right to judge what is or isn't a loss to the world, but I find it sad that people like to dwell on the negatives of a person (and their life), instead of celebrating the good, wonderful and extraordinary things. The dance and music were awesome. I can't believe he still moved like that at 50 years of age.

Funny (But Not Really) Stories from HK

Relationships

So, Grandma pulled me aside one day and whispered, "I'm not getting any younger - I want to see great grand-children!"

Mum "dropped" into conversation that she doesn't mind all that relationship "stuff" without marriage. Though in her defence, she did tell me that one cannot rush these things and that I can take my time if I want. However, my counter-argument to that is that when I gave her some of my reasons for not having relationships thus far, she was quite irritated by them all.

One day, HL put his hand on my head and asked, "Do you like that?" (not in a seedy way) and I replied, "Yeah, it makes me feel comforted and safe - that's why I have a stress hat that I wear..." Then suddenly, he retracts his hand and shouts, "Well, too bad you don't have a boyfriend to do that!!!"

Dad and HL (in special cahoots...) have also dropped: (1) lesbianism, (2) bisexualism, (3) asexualism and even ventured to ask (after quite a few sakes) whether or not I'm already (4) in a more scandalous relationship.

Oh, Cherrie the enigma.

Career

The only question I have been asked is, "When are you going to finish?"

I suspect that when I reply, "Hopefully the middle of 2011," they do some quick mental arithmetic (oh, Asians...) to check if I'll still be eligible by then. I kindly remind them that the first post-doc will be quite strenuous if I want to get somewhere (and of course, I have to sound confident like that - what is the point in explaining my doubts over my compatibility with the thing if they don't know the thing? And what's the use in them worrying?), so that should be another ~ 3 years, then I will have to get somewhere and get some grants...

So I think they have given up, but that being said and even though this sub-section is titled, "Career", I will tell you this: as far as my relatives and their friends are concerned (and who can blame them, especially since they grew up in a world where tertiary education is a very rare thing), an education is for a job, a job is for money and money is for raising your kids. Well, after I did my standard spiel about how harrowing a science career will be, one of my Mum's school friends pulled me aside and said, "Cherrie - you have to have children. It is the reward of a woman's life."

No-one has dropped the L-bomb on me yet, thankfully. You know, a life without love is a life wasted. I think they assume I will say, "Let the wasting begin!" I might, just to raise their blood pressure. But not if it gives them heart attacks. Oh, it must be difficult raising me.

Anyway, another thing I have to get off my chest is that when I have conversations with people now, they will sometimes say, "Oh Cherrie, you don't have to be so scientific!" I am baffled by this because I used reason/logic/common sense/my understanding of reality (whatever you want to call it) to propose a solution, I didn't do any experiments. I mean, is that the difference? Do people care? Anyway, the bottom line is they think I'm just trying to be "intelligent" and/or picky and/or stubborn (typical Kong trait). As if I have enough energy/confidence to go around showing off "intelligence" - I'm trying to offer a solution that might actually work! But if you try to add tact (which is being less to the point?), people take that as uncertainty and think you don't know your stuff. Well, maybe I don't then. Who cares!!! I'll just stop talking!

All images from Wikimedia except for On His Majesty's Secret Service thumbnail, which is from cinematical.com

Technorati Tags : Book, Cherrieland, Hong Kong, Japan, Life, Movie

Droplets

God, the other day I wrote some inane rant about fluidity of dimensions (perspective, motivation, etc.). I thought I was lucid and having some sort of revelation about how I needed to live/think to be a good scientist/person, but on editing (today), I conclude I am insane at best and boring at worst. I blame the unusually positive attitude on diclofenac, which isn't supposed to have direct neurological effects, but could have contributed by eliminating pain/inflammation (I am almost always in muscular? pain these days). I might post it one day. Maybe not. It also included "opinions" on vanity (disgust), the cleaners (bafflement) and how students aren't consumers (basically anger at treating an educational institution as a corporate). I'm pretty sure I've written about those things before.

--- ~ ---

Recent News/Thoughts

Waitakere 11k in 57. Auckland Half Marathon in 2:03. 7 mins faster than 2008, wanted 1:50 at least. Disappointed because I know that I didn't run the whole way - and this time, it was my motivation that faltered, not my muscles, like last time. I don't like this new state, you know? Having to find motivation. I have always had it. Cherrie is to short is to motivated. Why are the things on my shelf of constants being knocked off all the time, eh? I suppose - how else would anything new get a place?

I'm desperate for my brain to figure out how to think in new ways, to create something on its own. It's like it got a bit shocked at its ignorance and went into absorb mode. The "output" switch is dusted. It must be why I spend hours and hours pouring over journals, articles, videos - ANYTHING that will give me new ideas, new understanding. Meanwhile, my body is saying - here's a new idea - SLEEP! But no, 4 bouts of sickness this year and aching hips still doesn't convince me. Stubbornness may be my only constant, ladies. DESPITE the fact that I (just realised), I put in a hell of a lot more hours than other PhD students. But maybe it's a bad thing to not live at home or have any other distractions. It means I'm too one-tracked and you dig for too long in the wrong pit. So to speak.

And that's another thing - being that motivation is now the limiting step, it's no longer my ability (it's all relative). That's sort of an interesting change. Maybe liberating in a way. It's sort of like technology - the limiting step for communication is now (likely) US - i.e. we still don't communicate well. We don't keep in touch any better do we? What do people mostly do on Facebook? Browse others' photos without ever acknowledging it (or maybe some meaningless comment) and/or do meaningless quizzes and/or play Farmville (wtf is that and why is everyone addicted to it?) In fact, now that we can just send an easy email, we probably put it off, whereas back in the day, knowing the letter would take months to be shipped, you would get onto it quickly. The human race is too clever for their own individual good.

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Reading

"Any Human Heart" by William Boyd

Why: saw it at the library. Whim

Time: about 2 weeks (bedtime reading)

Opinion: It was interesting - I think it contrasts real human feelings/thoughts/development with a surreal life. It is written as a personal diary of Logan Mountstuart (LMS), a writer, from about 17 to 85 years of age (starting ~ beginning of 20th century, starting in England). The only caution is that I don't know if I should extend this book's portrayal of men/sex into my general understanding of this topic, because if I do, I shall never trust men again - which is ironic considering the book emphasises the living of life. I think it was good for me to read this because it pulled me through the feelings and thoughts of someone living life. I don't think anyone has shared that sort of intimate detail with me and it helps me to accept my own disarray of feelings and thoughts.

Quotes (page numbers give you an indication of age):

"Strange man, I thought... Not sexless, because he was leanly handsome enough... and sure of himself, too. Very sure. Too uncompromising, really - perhaps that was it. Because it seems to me that to be human you have to be able to compromise. And sometimes there appears something inhuman about Mr Holden-Daves." p27, LMS about school teacher. Contrasts with later lack of generalisations about what isn't human. Also interesting to me, because I may be seen as inhuman.

"Perhaps Leeping is right: why do we want to waste three precious years of our lives in these institutions?" p33, LMS pondering over best friend, Ben Leeping's decision to not go to varsity. Contrasts with later descriptions on the value of life. Interesting to me because a University degree is not highly-valued these days (due to sheer numbers) and I am not sure how valued a PhD is in the general public. Do people understand what it is?

"This system has to be the most iniquitous and crippling way of educating intelligent young (it may be wonderful for the stupid and backward young, for all I know) - four fifths of the things I'm obliged to do here strike me as an utter waste of time... strikes me as a national scandal." p36, LMS on education system. Example of his youthful confidence. I think its curious that I find this tone leaving me. But I am not entirely sure.

""She's a bold, rare spirit," he [Peter Scabius, friend of LMS] said, and I felt a sour, bilious grip of envy around my heart." p38, LMS when PS describes his girlfriend that LMS basically helped him get. Contrasts with his later compartmentalisation of love versus lust.

"A horrible thought: could this be the pattern of my life ahead? Every ambition thwarted, every dream still born? But a second's reflection tells me what I'm currently experiencing is shared by all sentient, suffering human beings..." p39. The dramatic and somewhat arrogant tone reminds me of myself, that's all.

"Are our lives just the aggregate of the lies we've told? ('Lives' - the 'v' is silent.)" p45, another example of LMS' self-assurance (in his own 'cleverness').

"...Yorke has that slightly clipped reserve you often find in Etonians. I can never tell whether it's a result of chronic shyness or majestic self-assurance." p91, LMS on acquaintances at Eton College, Oxford. I just thought it was an interesting pairing of characteristics. Reminds me of something a teacher (CH) wrote to me once (2000), that I had a "quiet confidence" and at the time, I thought she was hinting I was arrogant.

"Don't denigrate your brain-power, Logan. You're lucky - you just don't know how lucky you are: ignorance is not bliss." p102 Le Mayne [LMS' tutor at Jesus College]. What LMS thought of Le Mayne: "He both frightens and irritates me, does Le Mayne: I find myself simultaneously wanting to please him and wanting to tell him I don't give two figs for his approval. Is this the definition of a good teacher?" p90.

"They [Les Cosmopolites] are all about romance, about life's excitement and adventure and its essential sadness and transience. They savour everything both fine and bittersweet that life has to offer us - stoical in their hedonism." p183. I like this.

"He [Hemingway] was at his most likeable, an expansive, genial mood..." p187. Interests me that being likeable is being expansive.

--- LMS marries, he goes through war, loses love and other huge events --- I didn't realise I hadn't recorded any quotes (too caught up) until ...

"...everyone is demeaned by this petty, vindictive, penny-pinching, careless, world." p414, LMS ~65 by now? Showing his increasingly cynical view of the world, but also reminds me of myself.

"I'm not one of his favourites - I spend too much time and not enough money in his establishment." p418, LMS on the owner of his local pub.

At 70 yrs, with little money, he resorts to eating canned dog food (and he has no shame or worry in this). I find it very sad. But I guess the author is making the point that life is unpredictable, unplanned, as his conditions contrast with his previous grandiose lifestyle.

"Freya and Stella. That was my good luck. Some people never have any luck in their lives and during the years I loved Freya and she loved me I was awash in it." p460, as LMS ages, he becomes less angry, then less sorry for himself and more grateful for what he did have. I think it's sad and I wonder at how much luck I have been given and perhaps not taken with open arms.

"I chided her gently, reminding her that you can't make these unilateral pacts with life." p475, LMS' advice to a friend, who decided she would no longer love/let herself be hurt again. Advice for me, it seems.

"I feel very sorry for myself - that is what grief is." p481. I agree wholeheartedly that grief is probably to do with feeling that you have lost a dream, a potential for yourself. I think that's why guilt comes with grief.

"You must live the life you have been given." p483. I guess that's the message of the book and I am trying to figure out what that means for me.

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Ahead

I go to Hong Kong on Sunday - I haven't packed yet. Yesterday, MC kept saying that maybe I wouldn't come back and to be honest I really hadn't thought about that (I hadn't thought about the trip at all) - I only knew I needed some rest. But now the subject has hijacked my mind. Initially (i.e. yesterday), I thought, "Impossible! I would never just disappear." But then I thought about it last night/this early morning and actually, maybe it could happen in a more subtle way. Suppose I go away, come back and the motivation hasn't returned. Suppose I am really considering quitting - what would my pro/con table look like?

Pro Stay

1. I want to
2. I would not forgive myself if I quit

Pro Go (Con Stay)

1. potentially months moving floors
2. don't have to come back to having to yell at grown people to tidy up the lab
3. don't have to come back to inefficient processes (i.e. time-consuming paperwork)
4. Science is not perfect
5. can go do something that I'm more easily good at/with lower expectations
6. might try to get a life/time to pursue hobbies/relationships
7. might try to no longer be disappointed with life/negative feelings regarding living
8. might get some self-worth

Despite that gigantic list, the only reason that matters is the first one in Pro Stay. And if it ever ended prematurely, I suppose it would feel like this (the sound quality is sorta shit):

Droplets - Colbie Caillat and Jason Reeves

I'm leaving you

Not sure if that's what I should do

It hurts so bad

I'm wanting you, but cant go back

Trying to find (find)

That all elusive peace of mind

Stuck here somehow

Shrouded beneath my fear and doubt

And I don't need it

'Cause I'm walkin down this road alone and

Figured all I'm thinking bout is you, is you, my love

And my head is in a cloud of rain and

The world it seems so far away and I'm just waiting for

The droplets (droplets)

You left a mark

And I wear it proudly on my chest

Above my heart (Above my heart)

To remind me that I feel the best

When I'm with you (When I'm with you)

And everything is effortless

You know it's true

My eyes are painted with regret

And I don't need it

'Cause I'm walkin down this road alone and

Figured all I'm thinking bout is you, is you, my love

And my head is in a cloud of rain and

The world it seems so far away and I'm just waiting to fall

And sink into your skin (tears)

You are like the raindrops (the raindrops)

Falling down on me

You left a mark (you left a mark)

She left a mark (he left)

She left (he left)

And I don't (I don't)

Need it (Need it)

Technorati Tags : Cherrieland, Life