Sorry about the lack of updates. The reasons are few:
But let's give it a go anyway, because I'm confused/feel like shit and this may help me sort my thoughts out.
....***....
I have been trying to describe how I feel. Am I happy? Am I sad? I've concluded I must feel the way people feel when love is not returned. I possess intense curiosity and sense of wonder about the Universe - I want to know it, understand it, fight for it and tell everybody about it. I am courting it through Science. But it's not giving up its secrets, but why should it? I feel sad, disappointed and unworthy, but at the same time, hopeful that maybe I'm wrong about myself and that I will one day unlock something... but what? Is the Universe infinite? I don't know, but I'm unlikely to know it all. And I am certain that the Universe is indifferent to my interest (would you call it a passion?). It feels a bit insane, a bit critical.
If we assume that this interest is instinctive, religion can make sense in that it allows us to make believe that the Universe loves us back. Of course, this point is closely related to other (conscious or not) reasons that people may have for converting to religion, e.g. a source of unconditional love (comfort), a code of ethics (guidance), a framework to make sense of the world (or an excuse to dismiss anything they don't understand, i.e. not worry too much), a source of tangible love/support (community). In my mind, these are reasons for individuals to pull towards religion, while politics and commerce are reasons for religion to pull individuals. And I would have mentioned before, I only examine religion because I find it presents interesting characteristics of human nature and perhaps, myself.
But now if I turn to romantic love, typically felt between two people - it is also an interdependence and a leap of faith. You need that person, you want to know more about the person. You can never ever be 100 % sure that person feels the same way or will be there for the rest of your lives, but you observe a few signs and you take that leap, because you'd rather risk that than not be with them at all. The fear of losing them or their love is like the uncomfortable pebble-bottom of life's stream. You are a riverbed waiting for the rain. You want the Universe to tell you that it wants you here.
I sort of make that connection because I don't like the idea of religion and perhaps it means I will never let anyone return their love. I prefer this horrid relationship where the Universe stays still and I am begging for its approval.
What I'm saying is that I feel Not Good. I would use the simple word, "bad", but it may be misunderstood for guilt. I would use something a bit more sophisticated, like, "terrible", but it sounds too dramatic. I just feel Not Good. I was unsure for a while whether I was on a happy average with low points or on a low average and happy points. I think it's a pretty noisy trace, but the average, for sure, is low. I don't really know why, I've been trying for several months not to think about it, because essentially, I thought it was a waste of time. I thought if I just got on with it, it would pass. But maybe I'm just like this. So, let's try to explore that a bit...
Firstly, I don't let successes sink in and become a part of me. I guess I think that if I try not to blame myself when things don't work for no apparent reason, then I shouldn't credit myself for when things just seem to work. That is, you can't feel that it is something wrong with you - that is more counter-productive than making no adjustments to your protocol. But you sort of want to know - is it me??? Should I be stepping aside and giving a more competent person the use of these resources? It is real money, a real life... (the rat's or mine?) Or is it all for my own journey? I worked out that on any given day of experimentation, I may get something like 1 success out of 30 trials, plus - even if I never even image a cell, I will have used 3 - 4 hrs preparing/tidyng up. I realise that it's about learning and that nothing is a failure, because with every wrong or mistake, you learn something, it's problem-solving. But it seems to me that people just want to hear the bottom line. How do I learn to listen to the same words and here something different? I wonder how would I fare in other techniques? Immuno-labelling? Molecular techniques? What about another lab?
Analysis is sort of a funny thing - though it is most frustrating (experimentation just tires me out the most), it is the part I enjoy most because analysis (to me) is more guiding and serves as an anchor point for thoughts/actions relating to experiments, reading, technical and physiological considerations.
I think that's why I also like teaching because that anchors many other skills - organising my thoughts/understanding, explaining it coherently/creatively to others, listening to students to understand their starting point, motivating students, learning in a classroom environment, etc.
I am a bit annoyed with my poor ability in expressing right now. A lot of it is just my own issue - my thoughts and feelings are all over the place. Compressed gas, I suppose. I need to step back, put it all in order and THEN open my mouth. But on the other hand, I also feel that (a) I don't get enough of a pause to do that - i.e. when people ask questions, if I don't answer within a second or so, I get cut off, so I feel a bit of pressure to speak instantaneously and I am definitely one of those people ("introverts") that need to think for a bit before I feel like I'm ready to give an answer. I don't mind thinking while speaking, but only with a good stagger between thinking and speaking, if you get what I mean - I need that initial pause to create that stagger in timing. And no, I don't want to use a verbal filler like "um". It's fucking annoying. (b) I don't actually think people listen all that much around here. People live in their heads (as do I), and it's very difficult to entice people out of it. When I speak, I can see that people go into their heads immediately and are thinking about perhaps the first thing I said, as opposed to listening to the end of my "story" and then thinking the whole thing through. I mean, I do it myself, so I'm not trying to point fingers. It may be because there are so many thoughts going on inside our heads that if you listen all the way through, you'll lose some of those initial thoughts. But then sometimes I have a little notepad jotting down people's points as they speak, but not interrupting them. I guess that's why I prefer chatting online because it sort of slows things down a bit and you can put no energy into memory, but rather all in processing.
I had a sort of funny thought today that perhaps a reason for me not to continue in Science, would be so that I would not embarrass my supervisor(s). Another thing that is on my mind is that some people seem to have/develop real issues with their supervisors and that really bugs me. Like with any relationship, you have to put effort into not letting insecurities/jealousy/neediness/bitterness get the better of you. But for some reason a lot of students despise their supervisors. For sure, I am sometimes tempted to feel bitter if they haven't met me at my expectations, but then that's when I have to adjust my expectations/perspective, given that I feel I have communicated my needs adequately (and filtered out "wants" over "needs). I think it's a difficult thing, where relatively young/immature people are put under extreme internal pressure to achieve/grow and they look to their supervisors for intellectual guidance, emotional support and flags to demarcate stepping stones reached, when really, it's not the supervisor's requirement to offer emotional support and at the same time they're balancing guidance with giving you room to grow. It's like parenthood, but with a bizarre blend of personal and professional attachment. I sometimes feel that on the student's part, you're learning to deal with what to expect of your supervisor, yourself, all the while, your supervisor is there with ideas and help just there on an outstretched hand. But regardless of what they do, you're still going crazy inside either thinking you're too stupid or you should be figuring it out yourself or that they're disinterested and don't care or a multitude of other crazy, useless thoughts. But then people tell me I should be wary and suspicious. But I can't do that, you know? I won't learn from someone I don't trust. It's not the way I'm programmed.
I'm also programmed to belittle my own capacities. It must be frustrating to know that and at the same time see the obnoxious version of Cherrie that swears and talks loudly, proclaims to be the best and mocks other people.
Sure, I must be learning because I'm still alive, I'm still breathing - but it's like
trying to reach a distant star - you keep travelling and travelling thinking that you're getting closer - but it's lightyears away and you're not sure it will still be there by the time you have travelled that distance. Furthermore, if that star is your ideal self/life or what you think is your potential, then perhaps,
it's just a delusion afterall and you should close that window and have a good look at yourself in the mirror instead. Think about your capacities and what worth they are to society, maybe it is time to change tact. Think about your abilities to relate to others and let them in, maybe it is time to accept that that ideal friendship/closeness won't exist for you. Those things impact on your ability to be a good friend, a good daughter, a good neighbour, etc., etc. and so you have to
re-evaluate the person you want to be, so it more closely matches the person you can be. If believing in a big guy in the sky is delusional, then believing in an inflated, gold-plated image of yourself is also. But if self-confidence primes you to jump a little further (i.e. unjustified confidence vs. proof/experience preceding confidence), then God is OK, too. I mean, sure, it's a balance. Whatever.
I'm also a bit saddened and annoyed with
the way I'm seeing the world. Mainly, it's the ugly things of humanity or society. The ways that people can be
petty or the ways that people are unable to make mistakes or lose. The ways that
people build their houses of straw and think it's too good to let anyone else in. It's
administrative tasks piling up, it's having to make decisions or think when other people really should have thought about it before me. Of course there is also immense beauty and sacrifice. But I also (naively) thought that when people aged, they grew up. But who am I? I'm different, but also pretty much the same as I was years ago. I'm not any wiser.
I wish it were easier to not have any
secrets. I don't know why people tend to think that not saying things or keeping things secretive makes life more simple. I mean, I get it - if you don't say something or if you lie, you'll eventually move on and you don't have to deal with that thing or person anymore. It will always happen. But I think I will still prefer to not be secretive. I can justify every opinion or thought I have and if the basis of that opinion is wrong, I would rather know about it and change it accordingly.
But I am learning to keep secrets about myself. I've stopped trying to say as much in these past few years, even though in the years prior I had learned to speak up. Honestly though, I just wish people would ask questions more directly and I can answer frankly. I feel heavy with secrets. Too many. But I am grateful for my friends around the place, because I sort of realise that it's my problem of not reaching out. It's my own fault. But on the other hand, I would like opinion/advice that is unambiguous and not skewed by prejudices. That doesn't exist though, does it?
I went to the library the other day to get some
books to read in bed. I started on
A Natural History of Rape. It's sorta bullshit. I've pretty much given up on going to bed at 10:30, because my mind/body don't give a fuck that I'm tired. Well now, how am I supposed to care?
....***....
Oh, I learned how to ski and snowboard. Also, gearing for half marathon. Ran about 40 km in the past two weeks (in 4 sessions). Been busy lately with PJC and ACJM's wedding/departure and all events associated with that - dinners, farewells, afternoon teas, presents... etc. and also handing over of lab duties to me, mostly. Sort of an opportunity to step up. Friends' birthdays. Been going to this bar on Sundays once in a while to hang out with these guys from CQ, none of whom are in Science - it's like a breath of fresh air. But sort of hard to make the time when you have Mon lab meetings to worry about and at the end of the day I feel most comfortable with nerds. :) I don't know if I mentioned I got the old H1N1. I've been sick every second month of this year. It's bullshit. I had my first panic attack one day. The day that MBC told me to go home and chill out and think about the big picture. I freaked out that I was being told to chill. I thought I was finally losing my mind, but it actually ceased in about 20 - 30 mins. Interesting. But it was also the stress of trying not to like this person that I could feel I was beginning to like a lot. Fuck this shit eh. My self-esteem is shot. Need to not be in Auckland for a period of time. That would be very good.
MC keeps saying that I can do better and it's sort of a stab in the stomach - my immediate reaction is that I am already trying my hardest and I am just this dumb, so just deal with it. But then I sort of figure that this sort of angry reaction is because I know he's right - I can do better, but I don't know where I've buried my mojo. All this extra stuff around studying is tiring me out before I even get to the thinking. And by tiring I totally mean that small set backs in a bad isolation or weird politics in the office or in the teaching labs or among friends or RP sending me an email or whatever - it's all just extra shit that's demotivating me from saying - hey, what the hell is this calcium doing? I've got to stop having all of these intense feelings. But it means that I'll have to withdraw. That's ok - if it means I can finish within 3 years. It's nothing personal, but I really want to get out. I feel like I'm stuck in glad-wrap.
Well, there's my mind dump. How did I do?
Song of the post: Where Do We Go From Here - Alicia Keys
My man don't want me no more
And he said he needed his time
To clear his mind
Meanwhile I'm losing mine
Oh uh ohhh
We're at the crossroads, my dear
Where do we go from here?
Maybe you won't go, maybe you'll stay
Oh I know I'm gonna miss you either way
It's such a lonely road
Where do we go from here?
All I can do is follow the tracks of my tears
Oh, when I cry your name
Am I calling in vain?
Oh, am I waiting
Only to drown in pain?
Oh, don't you do it
No, said don't you leave me this way
I don't know
If I can lift my head and face another day
Ooh it's such a lonely road
Where do we go from here?
All I can do is follow the tracks of my tears
Usually not the kind of girl who's lost and looking for direction
Tell me - who could this be, staring at me?
When I'm looking in the mirror trying to find a resolution
We're too far gone to find our way home
Where do we go from here? (Maybe you won't go, maybe you'll stay)
All I can do is - follow the tracks of my tears (I'm gonna miss you, either way)
Ooooh oooh
