Retrospective

It's Monday 11th July... I am just using this time to upload a lil' some'in some'in I typed out while waiting at LAX Airport on Saturday... Friday? Who knows. Anywho, it was a bit of a retrospective on what had gone on over the past two weeks. Just my thoughts one moment in time. Most likely, I would have developed those thoughts further now... but I shall perhaps post those later. But I think the main outcome from all of this is that I want to be more proactive, I need to find people who feel the same way and at the same time try to motivate those around me to be at this level of caring for our community, our world, instead of just being passengers...be citizens. Lame-o I know... but it's true. Free rides are dull! Elbow grease all the way!

OK, so I am at L.A. Airport… my flight arrived at 6:06pm or something and my flight to Auckland is at 9:30pm. So not such a long wait. But any wait is agonising right now because I’m really missing those people now scattered around the world once again. Within a short week and a half, we have really bonded – we recognised each other’s ‘faults’ and annoyances, yet we respect each other and have the same vision for the future. This shouldn’t be rare, but it is and I am afraid of the dissatisfaction I will feel when I reach Auckland… the flat is not the most stimulating or inspiring place to live in and that is not supposed to be insulting or hurtful or anything. It is just a neutral statement and I guess if I change my perspective, things will change. I often wonder what type of person I would have become if I had stayed in another environment. Very much different I think, well that goes without saying but I do think I made a somewhat cowardice mistake in choosing the flatmates I have today. They do not stimulate my thinking. No doubt, they challenge me everyday, but these are superfluous and actually tedious and I am in doubt as to whether I am able to tolerate them much longer. What are most of our conversations about? Indeed, what were most of my conversations at O’Rorke about? Further, why am I not initiating the type of discussion I want? Why am I seeing it this way? My thinking needs to be changed. I say this because during this trip, I have had to adjust to the many different personalities and cultural things in a very short time and in proximity to them. Right away, I had to adjust and learn to cooperate, have a good time and make things work. And it did work. Even though it seemed very difficult and tiring at times (I mean, how much sleep did we actually get), we actually had a lot of fun and got along very well. I am actually incredibly sad that it is most likely I will never see them again, despite the fact that we are young and there are many opportunities in life. I know if we really wanted to, we would make it happen again and knowing us, the proactive attitude we have, we will make it somehow. Nonetheless, things are never the same. But really? Do I want it to be the same? No. I would just love to have another experience where my mind transforms at such a pace and happiness is natural and not forced. I did not even notice the time flying by and I hate to say it, I did not miss Auckland one bit. Of course, I did miss parents and Tiff, but that is always the case. I really don’t know why I do not like Auckland. I have tried so hard to fit in, with my community stuff, clubs and making friends… and I do enjoy their company, but always I feel at a loss and I do not feel I have improved in any way during my time here. There are no personal attacks here, because there are none and that would just be stupid. But generally, people here take things personally and are defensive and guarded and it makes me feel suppressed and under pressure.

Despite this new contentment, I have still managed to find some dissatisfaction in my life. This is a good thing as I am always seeking improvement. But one of the problems I identified included my loneliness. I have felt this for some time and always managed to push it away. But I don’t know. I sort of always had the excuse that if I am to make a change to this world, for the world to give me that chance, that opportunity and for me to take that opportunity with open arms I would have to sacrifice a few things, like money or companionship... I hate that feeling when you know someone and you want to share with them all these things and tell them all these things but you are unable to. You want them to get closer, but it just does not happen. I think I am missing one crucial step of this pathway, or some technique in this pool of signals, confusion and eventual contentment and happiness, I don’t know what will happen now, but the feeling is pretty desperate and I don’t know if I can or want to control that. Hmm it's all very confusing... [ so now that I'm back in Auckland and reading this again, the feeling is sort of gone and I guess I can keep running away from it or face it head on... someone should give me some advice on that ]

On Beth, Dima and Shraddha – they are amongst the most interesting people I have met in my life. I cannot put into words how much I owe to them my transformation over the past week or so. I cannot even identify the changes as yet, but I do feel a change and it has made my more motivated to do things and to think positively. Meeting these similar and yet so different minds reminds me of the hope and value of humanity – despite the London bombings this morning and their resultant paranoia and loss of hope. I think this group is so interesting, from the two most verbose characters Beth and Shraddha to me and Dima. Given, I can talk quite a bit when I get going, but compared to these two my skills just don’t compare. Of course, I will now try to become better by practising more articulate speech. Concision is key, but creating interest is important also. I wonder what I am going to do now, tomorrow, the day after, the year ahead as every action taken will affect the world in some way. I don’t think I was really hard out enough before, I think I can step that up. It gives me a great feeling to know that my action will be appreciated and though not exactly duplicated, replicated in some form around the world, with a common vision, a common hope. I don’t know why this contemplative bout came about. I think it was from watching Shraddha happily recording everything she thought. It made me remember a time when I used to do that. Why don’t I do that anymore?? Where did the sudden fatigue come from, the sudden pessimism and cynism placed upon the world? Is my position that bad? No. There is always someone, somewhere who is worse off and this is no linear model. We must remember that direction of opinion is that – opinion which differs from perspective. The more perspectives we are able to obtain, the more holistic your painitng of the situation is. That is important and that is what we should strive for.

I must remember to contact Colin Prentice when I get back home.

For a while last night I felt depressed because I thought I had not received as many compliments and opportunities as Beth and Shraddha. But why should I feel bad about that? I have absorbed so much in these conferences and it motivates me to try harder so that my voice is always heard. I am not sure what to do locally, but I will definitely investigate what sort of impact I can make. I really should ask others for help and see what I can do. There are many things to improve and not enough people who are willing to put in the hard yards. Why is that. Why is that when you get older, the tiredness settles in and the drive to search for improvement is lost. Do people think that because they are nearing death, things are not worth as much?? I would have thought it would be worth more for their own sake and for their childrens’ sake. What are we to do now, we must always listen to our youth and I must practise this. I must keep in contact with those ‘below’ me and remember to listen to their thoughts. Youth are an untapped resource. Why has that not been brought to the forefront before.

This actually now fills me with a lot of happiness, though I still miss the group. Mike and Jen are a perfect couple – they are so good together and are working for such a great cause. They can laugh so much together! So can Mike and Luke – they get on really well and it is refreshing to imagine the type of workplace they belong in. It was interesting to feel that we belonged together and fit very well regardless of the difference in age. That difference is the same at highschool and yet there is still this segregation, this separation into groups by age at school. Why is that. Vertical forms would be tres cool...

I am going to go through the iPhoto collection now to trigger some of the good memories we have. I find it so unbelievable that we have created so many fun and life-changing memories in just 9 days. Did I think it was possible before? Yes – but why is this interesting and fun and unforgettable experience only open to a select few? What happens to the rest? What happens to everyone else!

Everyone should break their bubbles.

Memory - Beth and I talking online for like 3 hours even though she was just in the next room and if I turned around I could actually see her back and her laptop screen.

So generally I’m still really bummed about leaving and I am not sure whether the relationships will be the same. I actually hope they will improve, but more often than not they do deteriorate when there is not much time devoted… much like how I said I would send Mariam mail from LA but have yet to do so… so I will remember to do that in New Zealand. I feel like such a loser that I like, never get anything done and yet I know I get more done than most and yet it bums me out that I don't get the MOST done... if you get what I mean. Gees. What a horrible feeling in the stomach.